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A little different in flavor and a whole lot less discreet than what we normally put out. Testing waters. Let us know if we just made things awkward between us. Kthx.

Assuming you’re anything like me, you have and will likely continue to make poor (and oh so glorious) decisions based on the need for a warm body and some touchy feely time. If this doesn’t resonate with you, don’t bother reading any further. You may have outlined in your head as a preteen all the things you will require of your partner (singular, mind you) and assume them all to be completely realistic. Here was my list, more or less, in my pre-college years:

  • 6ft or taller (haha yeah. right.)
  • good hygiene, good skin
  • nice smile
  • kind eyes
  • stellar bone structure (probably gonna have to sacrifice here)
  • no weird hair situations. cornrows and mullets being the vilest. (the list of no-no’s is longer now)
  • he would want to make me feel good about myself and would think i’m super special and wonderful and I’ll feel the same about him
  • he will be a good writer and say the sweetest things imaginable and they will get my insides all aflutter
  • so smart and engaging in conversation that my pants will melt off and my lady parts will scream his name

Think my list is actually more or less the same but I’m a greater admirer of the male form these days. And nice arms over sweet abs? Yes please. But I’m not one to disregard the not-so-ripped either. Pretty faces are still essential. But you know who got dibs on me freshman year of college? The first interested person. Who I won’t describe to save you from gagging, but suffice it to say that he didnt meet any of the above, especially the bit about intelligence or any semblance of a talent. But I remained too lazy to break it off and went through the motions, completely unattracted to this person mentally/emotionally/physically. My ladyparts defied my sensibilities and told me to f*ck off because it was her turn to make decisions. What, pray tell, do we call this phenomenon? Exploding after a lifetime (18 years seems soo young now) of being so sheltered. I mean, seriously, I was waiting to erupt and hadn’t alleviated any of the tension by trying to play with myself. Didn’t think there was much to explore, I guess.

Wut.

Here’s my list of things I wish I did differently, and maybe some sheltered girl about to go to college and whip out her closeted hormones may benefit from reading this.

1. Explore them ladyparts. Can’t tell someone what feels good when you haven’t the slightest idea yourself! And as ladies we’re equipped with a host of erogenous zones waiting to be touched just right–find yours today! And figure out which holes are which, lest you desire a UTI at the hands of an unskilled worker of ladyparts. If you’re under the age of 90, you should not encounter too many difficulties in figuring out what’s what. We’re not all floppy down there yet. (Ew, why did I even type that?) But when in doubt, Google it!

2. Stop. Breathe. Reassess contender wishing access to your ladyparts. Your body is a temple. Your temple. You can choose to turn down those that worship incessantly at your altar as well as those that didn’t ask nice enough. Your rules.

only the best kind of nonsexual touching there is mmmm

3. Foreplay is not forever optional, and if you don’t like it you’re not doing it right. Seriously. Statistically, we are more likely to experience orgasms in our later 20s than with whatever Shmoe we hooked up with after that frat party freshman year. Surprise! This could mean something biologically relevant. But also that guys have a lot to learn. And that you’re not going to get yours in the 90 seconds it takes for him to get his. Get yours, girlfriend.

4. Tell your partner you like it when he/she does ___. If that person cares about you at all, it will mean something when  told he/she just made you real happy. And conversely, that person should take heed when you tell them something makes you uncomfortable or you just don’t like it. “Oh, maybe they just forgot…” NAW. Tell them again. Making you feel good should matter to this person you’re allowing to get intimate with you, and I know far too many females who do everything and then some as girlfriends, but are getting nothing on the receiving end. Nuh uh. If your significant other doesn’t care how you’re feeling during sexy time, you have to wonder in what other departments he/she might be being inconsiderate. At least promise to think about it?

5. I started this out with the mindset of boyfriend-girlfriend interactions (only because that’s all I know) and ended up changing my phrasing to be inclusive of girlfriend-girlfriend because my mind started to wander and consider other options. Because guys can really suck and I think I’m like two guys away from reevaluating my sexuality. Just because you’ve had sex doesn’t mean you know intimacy, passion, or sexual satisfaction. You more than likely won’t find it your first time, no matter what your loud moaning and screaming (yeah, yeah, I see you) may suggest. And you definitely won’t if you convince yourself it’s awesome as is and can’t use any improvement. Be real with yourself. It’ll get better and if you’re around long enough people get complacent. That’s okay for some people, but not for others. Just actually talk about it and remember that it’s okay to need more and ask for it. Funny how people will get naked with one another but then feel awkward about having a conversation.

Go forth, be happy. And in the words of Tom Haverford: TREAT YO SELF.

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